We have recently been made aware of a serious threat to the environment that has been caused by birders. Yes, we said *caused* by birders. You see, these silly birders are actually driving in cars to see the Mango that has been hanging out in Beloit. They are thereby using scarce fossil fuels and killing the environment and helping Halliburton and possibly dooming the Eskimo Curlew *and* the Ivory-billed Woodpecker. There is only one way to stop this madness: We must kill the Mango!
It is the *right* thing to do. This Mango is causing thousands of thousands of dollars to be spent on unnecessary things like gasoline and Wisconsin cheese. The earth is warming as we speak, we're in a war on terror, Britney Spears is now fat, and the Mango is the symbol of all that is wrong with America.
Kill the Mango!
Kill the Mango!!
Kill the Mango!!!
OK, we're just killing. (Er, we meant kidding, but we typed killing, which is actually pretty funny. ) Seriously, don't kill the Mango. But there's blood on your hands if you go see it. Everyone who wants to go see the Mango should not go see it and should instead drive to WalMart. We had two urges to see it today, and two trips to the Wall solved that fix pretty quickly. Problem solved.
Kill the Mango or go to Wal-Mart. This enviro-political stuff is easy. We expect to be appointed to a post at the United Nations soon.
Seriously, don't really kill the Mango, you capitalist SUV-driving birding bastards.