Dick Hollins IBWO Diary Day Seven: Dick's Demands

Dear Diary:

First, let me illustrate again why all birders are morons and don't care about conservation. I don't have any evidence on the conservation part, but I do have some on the moron part. Please read the idiotic comments below by someone named "Mike Collins." I don't know who that clown is, but he's not Mike Collins.

And just to clear up another point, *I* am not Mike Collins. I am Dick Hollins. Mike and Dick are not the same name. Neither are Collins and Hollins. Just because two names sound alike doesn't mean those people are the same person. Do idiot birders confuse Dick Cheney with Gerald McRaney? Chuck Norris with Buck Rogers? Tony Blair with the Blair Witch Project? Barack Osama with Obama bin Laden? Or Bill Clinton with Nelson Mandela? I don't think so. Stupid, stupid birders.

I don't even know Mike Collins, although I do know a Tom Collins fairly well, I usually see him just before I go out searching for Ivorybills. And yes, they are called "Ivorybills" (another idiotic comment posted below, by an idiot who thinks you "gradumate" from college--well, you can go fornicamate yourself, too) at Yale, I don't really give a rat's ass what they call them at Cornell or some pile of steaming crap university like LSU or Auburn.

Where was I. Yes, explaining why everyone else is stupid am I am not. That idiot birder/janitor who has been bothering me, Gary Graves, has somehow gotten himself appointed to a position of power in the Ivorybill Working Groiup. What a joke.

Now that jerk Sibley is at it again. His ruthless and destructive campaign of fear and intimidation is obviously having its intended effect. I have now been banned from BirdChat! Sibley, I know you're reading my diary. So read this: I give up. You win. I have been silenced by the enemies of conservation and those guys in Europe that protect the religious stuff that the guy that wrote the book with Tom Hanks with bad hair wrote about.

Hear me now, birders: I know stupid when I see it. You are stupid and I will no longer enable your (or Sibley's) stupidity. I am done. Hundreds of birders have asked for information on how to find Ivorybills over the past few years. I will no longer give out that information to birders. I will only give out Ivorybill locations to legitimate Ivorybill researchers such as Mary Scott, Mary Scott's bird whisperer, William Smith, and that guy who is also searching for Bigfoot. And possibly Jim Stevenson, if he agrees to shoot a few more cats.

I will be happy to offer this information again to even the dumbest birders if the following demands are met:

1) Gary Graves resigns from his position as janitor at the Smithsonian;

2) David Sibley agrees to retire from his "bird guide" hobby, and the Library of Congress, Borders, and Barnes & Noble agree to burn all copies of Sibley's books that are currently in print;

3) A public apology is made to me, and to Yale, by Cornell, LSU, and the entire "birding community;

4) Popular Mechanics fires the current corrupt editorial staff and publishes all of my original Ivorybill research -- unedited -- and puts a photo of me on the cover; and

5) I get a new car, a new kayak, and a portable jet-pack to assist in my Ivorybill research.

These are my demands. Meet them or you will not have Dick Hollins to push around anymore.

Stealing from the best.

OK, we are going to steal a story we first saw on another blog, but at least we're stealing from quality blogs. The linked story about a wild Flamingo from the Yucatan meeting up with an escapee Flamingo from Kansas in Louisiana is pretty amazing:

Stolen from Sibley

UPDATE:

Oops, that didn't make sense, we posted the wrong link. Here is the real flamingo story. Forget about us posting the LOS link, we're just too lazy.

Wow--Another Midwest Frigatebird (Wisconsin)

Well, you can't blame this one on a hurricane. Where the hell are these birds coming from, and why?

http://my.execpc.com/CE/5F/idzikoj/misc/frigate.htm

The link doesn't seem to want to hyperlink, so just cut-and-paste.

Dick Hollins IBWO Diary: Day Six--Dick's Friend Finds a Nest!!!

Dear Diary:

I cannot withold my joy, because the world's foremost Ivorybill researcher. ny only equal in this field, is about to announce that he has found an Ivorybill nest. Yes, that's right, my colleague William Smith has reincarnated his web site and has a added a section (details to be added soon, I am sure of it!) on an Ivorybill nest.

Check it out: http://billismad.tripod.com/index.html

Your friend,

Dick

Dick Hollins IBWO Diary: Day Five

Dear Diary:

First, I would like to thank bonsaibirder for his fine comment. We need more Japanese birders who are concerned about saving the Ivorybill. And to answer his question, yes, I do spend much of my time looking a A-Holes. I have closely inspected some very nice A-Holes, and I would post the photos, but for some reason my government Internet access won't allow those sort of photos online.

I don't have very much time today, as I am using some chewing gum to fix a leak in my canoe. All of that heavy chewing has aggravated my pelvis injury.

I do want to make a few comments about the biased reporting and scientific fraud being perpetrated by Popular Mechanics Magazine. As you know, PM has refused to publish my scientific research on the Ivorybill. This is utterly amazing, as my scientific credentials are beyond dispute. Whenever anyone disputes my scientific credentials, I remind them of my degree from Yale, and of my experience working for the federal government. In my federal government job, I deal with, literally, hundreds of scientific journals every day, including some of the most prestigious scientific journals in the world. While most postal employees cannot even read and just look at the magazines with the dirty pictures, I can read, and have therefore read many journal covers over my 40-year postal career. I even opened one once, but couldn't get past the second page.

Anyway, I talked to the editor of Popular Mechanics last week, and that fraud told me that my evidence was not worthy of his little magazine. Like I would even want to publish my ground-breaking research in a mgazine of such ill-repute. Still, his comments illustrate why I find birders, scientists, government officials, and editors, to be pathetic.

Again, I ask, who is this Sibley guy anyway? What qualifies him to be an expert in bird identification? That clown has been sitting on his haunches in his Ivory Tower drawing pretty pictures of birds he has never seen while I have been busting my hump -- on a government salary, no less -- in Oyster Swamp. Apparently Sibley and his buddies Cheney and Rumsfeld have convinced Popular Mechanics to bury my research. What is his agenda? Is he diverting conservation funds to his private oil-drilling platform off the coast of Massachuestts? I would like to see Sibley spend three months in the swamp and break his pelvis and wrestle crocs and disarm Navy Seals and then see if he can still draw his pretty little pictures. Only then will he have the right to criticize me.

I have written a song that explains how I feel about Sibley, I call it "Night Man," and Mr. BINAC has been nice enough to add it to his blog. The song is performed by Charlie Kelly, singer and keyboardist for my favorite band, Chemical Toilet. Look carefully and you will see me do a cameo at minute :40, I'm the guy with the long hair and green hat.

Dick Hollins IBWO Diary: Day 4

Dear Diary:


My pelvis is already healing. Most people would need weeks or even months for a broken pelvis to heal, but I went to Yale and have a high tolerance for pain. The only downside is that I now may be sterile, but that's a small price to pay for saving a species from the brink of extinction.

I want to make a statement about some of the comments that have been made in response to my prior diary entries. First, only an idiot spends their time talking about birds on the Internet. I don't waste my time like others do on pointless endeavors such as that. Second, what kind of person writes anonymous posts on the Internet? To this person calling himself "Mike Hendrickson" I only have one word: You're an idiot. Why don't you post under your real name? Do you think my Dick's Diary is funny? Do you think the destruction of a noble species by the ornithological community is funny? Neither are funny. What I write is not intended for your petty amusement, it is intended only for serious researchers. If you have not seen an Ivorybill, you are an idiot and cannot possibly understand what I am talking about, and you are not welcome here.

To Cybertrash: You are welcome. Thank you for the clarification, and I apologize for your misunderstanding. I have been off of my medication since I injured my pelvis, and I just haven't been thinking straight lately. There are so few resources available to save the Ivorybill ($27 million is paltry compared to what NASA spends every year) that we should not be fighting amongst ourselves. I accept your apology.

Back to the matter at hand: My conversation with Geoff Hill. As you know, Hill is an ornithologist/birder with some ability. While I have mocked most of the ornithological and birding community, I respect Geoff, as he is not like most of the ornithological/birding community. He actually believes me, so he must be pretty smart. I know he's at Auburn now, but I believe it's possible he might have done his undergraduate work at Yale.

Here is what Geoff said to me: "Dick, you have the best evidence that I have seen for the continued existence of the Ivory-billed Woodpecker. Better than those boobs at Cornell, and better than our paltry efforts here in the Częstochowa." I know he was sincere, because when he used the words "best" and "evidence" he made "finger quotes" around both of those words. He also winked at the end of his endorsement. Geoff also said something to the effect that my evidence was simply unebilevable (I hear that word a lot!), and that he knew that no one else could ever reach my level of achievement.

Until next time, keep thinking of Dick!

Dick Hollins IBWO Diary: Day 3

Dear Diary:

I think most birders can't possibly comprehend how difficult it is to find Ivorybills here in the Oyster Swamp where I am doing most of my searching.

Today I broke my pelvis. You can't imagine how hard it is to paddle a 45-foot kayak with a broken pelvis. I fixed a rudimentary cast around my pelvis with those plastic rings from a six-pack and some Scotch tape. I had to swim the last few miles back to base camp, but I was able to convince a "friendly" 12-foot Croc to give me a ride back. I also now have a new pair of boots.

The incident where I broke my pelvis occurred right as I got a glimpse of an Ivorybill. I didn't see it very well, as I was drunk and had my eyes closed, but it had the right overall color and wing beat. It had to have been an Ivorybill. This is the 7th sighting I have had this year in my "Red Zone." The Ivorybill came closer and appeared to actually be a very large mosquito, which landed in my pelvis region. Fearing West Nile disease, I took my paddle and swatted the IBWO/mosquito, thereby breaking my pelvis in the process. I took a DNA swab to compare with the DNA samples I got from that janitor at the Smithsonian.

On the way back I also ran into a team of 12 Navy Seals who were napalming the swamp. I disarmed them with my binocular strap and told them that I had a degree from Yale, and that the Oyster Swamp was *my* swamp and they should leave it the hell alone. After they cried a bit, they agreed to deploy to Iraq instead of dealing with me again. There's a lesson in there for you, David Sibley, if you're smart enough to understand it.

My next entry will feature highlights of what Geoff Hill said directly to me about my "alleged" sightings. Only an idiot would call them "alleged." I am not an idiot, therefore my sightings cannot be "alleged."

Until next time, please keep thinking of how hard it is for Dick here in the swamps.

Dick Hollins IBWO Diary: Day Two

Dear Diary:

I continue to be amazed at how ignorant and childish the entire "birding community" can be. We can save a species here and all they're concerned about is posting snarky (that's a big Yale word, I graduated from Yale, you know) comments on stupid Internet blogs. A good example of this childishness is the ignorant and childish comment posted by Cyberthrash in response to Day 1 of my Diary. Well, the best way to deal with a pouting child is to ignore them, so that is what I am going to do.

Cyberthrash, how could you? Your sarcasm is not appreciated. Did you think I was not smart enough to catch that? Well, think again. A Yale-trained sociologist knows sarcasm when he sees it. I thought you were my friend. How many times did we share our dreams of the IBWO while having a latte at that little coffee shop? And you are willing to throw that all away, and for what? Did Popular Mechanics offer to promote your stupid little web site in exchange for you slandering me? Does Tom Nelson (that guy is such a jerk!) have some sort of photos of you in a compromising position? Why have you forsaken me?

Et tu, Judas?

In my next Diary entry, I will get back to the matter at hand: saving the Ivorybill -- and, by proxy, the entire world -- from ignorance and destruction.

Interesting IBWO interview

Can't emnbed it, but here is an interesting video with John Ruthven about the IBWO search: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WNW-VCfPFn4

Bags full of droppings, eh?

Ivory-Billed Searcher's Blog: Day One

*Note:* We here at BINAC are pleased to present a special guest blogger, Dick Hollins.

Dick is the world's second most-accomplished IBWO researcher. Every now and then Dick will let us into his world by providing us with *exclusive* entries from his IBWO Search Diary. Here is his first entry for the 2007-08 season:

***

Dear Diary:

Today was another tough day in the swamp. I know that everybody doubted that I could find an Ivorybill in a one-acre swamp next to the parking lot of a Wal-Mart in Missouri, but that's because everyone is an idiot except for me. Remember, I have an undergraduate degree from Yale in sociology, and although I couldn't get into Yale for grad school, I did receive my doctorate in Russian from Cleveland State. You can't possibly understand how smart that makes me, largely because you are so stupid.

I have now seen Ivorybills in fourteen states and two Canadian provinces. Today I was speaking with Gary Graves, who is a janitor at the Smithsonian, and he agrees that it is unbelievable that I am the only person to have seen Ivorybills in fourteen states. He kept on saying that it was unbelievable. At least someone realizes how important my research is to the survival of the species--the human species, that is.

It continues to amaze me how stupid birders are. Except for me, of course, I consider myself to be more of a savant than a birder. I guess the more precise term would be a non-idiot savant, if there is such a thing.

In my next entry I hope to talk more about why Popular Mechanics will not publish my research. They are such idiots. It is a conspiracy of immense proportions. If you're lucky, I might also expose David Sibley for the fraud that he is. That guy is so stupid and knows next-to-nothing about bird identification.

I am also working on a digital camera that can be attached to a dragonfly. More on that in my next entry.

Good Searching,

Dick Hollins

Merlin Invasion!!!

The Hawk Watch at Illinois Beach State Park (IBSP) had over *700* Merlins in a single day this week. That seems like a number that could almost never be topped...does anyone know what the single-day record for Merlins is in the Midwest, or east of the Mississippi?

And we might have some new Ivory-billed news here in a day or two, straight from the mouth of one of the more vocal searchers.

Oooh, this is good stuff!!!

Geoff Hill just updated his web site and is basically retracting the stuff he said about Jeff Sanders' Ivory-billed Woodpecker "sighting" in the 1960's, and about all of Jeff's other sightings that were discredited back in that same time period.

There is a lot more to this story than that, but many of the persons involved -- except for Jeff -- are dead now, so his side of the story is the one that will be told. Wonder if he threatened to sue Hill or something? Somebody please ask Joel Greenberg what he thinks of all of this!!!