Dick Hollins IBWO Diary: Day Five

Dear Diary:

First, I would like to thank bonsaibirder for his fine comment. We need more Japanese birders who are concerned about saving the Ivorybill. And to answer his question, yes, I do spend much of my time looking a A-Holes. I have closely inspected some very nice A-Holes, and I would post the photos, but for some reason my government Internet access won't allow those sort of photos online.

I don't have very much time today, as I am using some chewing gum to fix a leak in my canoe. All of that heavy chewing has aggravated my pelvis injury.

I do want to make a few comments about the biased reporting and scientific fraud being perpetrated by Popular Mechanics Magazine. As you know, PM has refused to publish my scientific research on the Ivorybill. This is utterly amazing, as my scientific credentials are beyond dispute. Whenever anyone disputes my scientific credentials, I remind them of my degree from Yale, and of my experience working for the federal government. In my federal government job, I deal with, literally, hundreds of scientific journals every day, including some of the most prestigious scientific journals in the world. While most postal employees cannot even read and just look at the magazines with the dirty pictures, I can read, and have therefore read many journal covers over my 40-year postal career. I even opened one once, but couldn't get past the second page.

Anyway, I talked to the editor of Popular Mechanics last week, and that fraud told me that my evidence was not worthy of his little magazine. Like I would even want to publish my ground-breaking research in a mgazine of such ill-repute. Still, his comments illustrate why I find birders, scientists, government officials, and editors, to be pathetic.

Again, I ask, who is this Sibley guy anyway? What qualifies him to be an expert in bird identification? That clown has been sitting on his haunches in his Ivory Tower drawing pretty pictures of birds he has never seen while I have been busting my hump -- on a government salary, no less -- in Oyster Swamp. Apparently Sibley and his buddies Cheney and Rumsfeld have convinced Popular Mechanics to bury my research. What is his agenda? Is he diverting conservation funds to his private oil-drilling platform off the coast of Massachuestts? I would like to see Sibley spend three months in the swamp and break his pelvis and wrestle crocs and disarm Navy Seals and then see if he can still draw his pretty little pictures. Only then will he have the right to criticize me.

I have written a song that explains how I feel about Sibley, I call it "Night Man," and Mr. BINAC has been nice enough to add it to his blog. The song is performed by Charlie Kelly, singer and keyboardist for my favorite band, Chemical Toilet. Look carefully and you will see me do a cameo at minute :40, I'm the guy with the long hair and green hat.