Dick Hollins IBWO Diary Day Seven: Dick's Demands

Dear Diary:

First, let me illustrate again why all birders are morons and don't care about conservation. I don't have any evidence on the conservation part, but I do have some on the moron part. Please read the idiotic comments below by someone named "Mike Collins." I don't know who that clown is, but he's not Mike Collins.

And just to clear up another point, *I* am not Mike Collins. I am Dick Hollins. Mike and Dick are not the same name. Neither are Collins and Hollins. Just because two names sound alike doesn't mean those people are the same person. Do idiot birders confuse Dick Cheney with Gerald McRaney? Chuck Norris with Buck Rogers? Tony Blair with the Blair Witch Project? Barack Osama with Obama bin Laden? Or Bill Clinton with Nelson Mandela? I don't think so. Stupid, stupid birders.

I don't even know Mike Collins, although I do know a Tom Collins fairly well, I usually see him just before I go out searching for Ivorybills. And yes, they are called "Ivorybills" (another idiotic comment posted below, by an idiot who thinks you "gradumate" from college--well, you can go fornicamate yourself, too) at Yale, I don't really give a rat's ass what they call them at Cornell or some pile of steaming crap university like LSU or Auburn.

Where was I. Yes, explaining why everyone else is stupid am I am not. That idiot birder/janitor who has been bothering me, Gary Graves, has somehow gotten himself appointed to a position of power in the Ivorybill Working Groiup. What a joke.

Now that jerk Sibley is at it again. His ruthless and destructive campaign of fear and intimidation is obviously having its intended effect. I have now been banned from BirdChat! Sibley, I know you're reading my diary. So read this: I give up. You win. I have been silenced by the enemies of conservation and those guys in Europe that protect the religious stuff that the guy that wrote the book with Tom Hanks with bad hair wrote about.

Hear me now, birders: I know stupid when I see it. You are stupid and I will no longer enable your (or Sibley's) stupidity. I am done. Hundreds of birders have asked for information on how to find Ivorybills over the past few years. I will no longer give out that information to birders. I will only give out Ivorybill locations to legitimate Ivorybill researchers such as Mary Scott, Mary Scott's bird whisperer, William Smith, and that guy who is also searching for Bigfoot. And possibly Jim Stevenson, if he agrees to shoot a few more cats.

I will be happy to offer this information again to even the dumbest birders if the following demands are met:

1) Gary Graves resigns from his position as janitor at the Smithsonian;

2) David Sibley agrees to retire from his "bird guide" hobby, and the Library of Congress, Borders, and Barnes & Noble agree to burn all copies of Sibley's books that are currently in print;

3) A public apology is made to me, and to Yale, by Cornell, LSU, and the entire "birding community;

4) Popular Mechanics fires the current corrupt editorial staff and publishes all of my original Ivorybill research -- unedited -- and puts a photo of me on the cover; and

5) I get a new car, a new kayak, and a portable jet-pack to assist in my Ivorybill research.

These are my demands. Meet them or you will not have Dick Hollins to push around anymore.