Dick Hollins IBWO Diary: Day 3

Dear Diary:

I think most birders can't possibly comprehend how difficult it is to find Ivorybills here in the Oyster Swamp where I am doing most of my searching.

Today I broke my pelvis. You can't imagine how hard it is to paddle a 45-foot kayak with a broken pelvis. I fixed a rudimentary cast around my pelvis with those plastic rings from a six-pack and some Scotch tape. I had to swim the last few miles back to base camp, but I was able to convince a "friendly" 12-foot Croc to give me a ride back. I also now have a new pair of boots.

The incident where I broke my pelvis occurred right as I got a glimpse of an Ivorybill. I didn't see it very well, as I was drunk and had my eyes closed, but it had the right overall color and wing beat. It had to have been an Ivorybill. This is the 7th sighting I have had this year in my "Red Zone." The Ivorybill came closer and appeared to actually be a very large mosquito, which landed in my pelvis region. Fearing West Nile disease, I took my paddle and swatted the IBWO/mosquito, thereby breaking my pelvis in the process. I took a DNA swab to compare with the DNA samples I got from that janitor at the Smithsonian.

On the way back I also ran into a team of 12 Navy Seals who were napalming the swamp. I disarmed them with my binocular strap and told them that I had a degree from Yale, and that the Oyster Swamp was *my* swamp and they should leave it the hell alone. After they cried a bit, they agreed to deploy to Iraq instead of dealing with me again. There's a lesson in there for you, David Sibley, if you're smart enough to understand it.

My next entry will feature highlights of what Geoff Hill said directly to me about my "alleged" sightings. Only an idiot would call them "alleged." I am not an idiot, therefore my sightings cannot be "alleged."

Until next time, please keep thinking of how hard it is for Dick here in the swamps.